No Pity Party here

This was originally written by Chris for The Coloured Collective, and we’d like to share on this special day. Some call it Valentine’s Day, but for us… well it’s Thursday! Take some time to love yourself, ladies!

I literally started this a while ago and just didn’t know how to end it. So I just left it. Then every so often, I’d return to it to add (and remove) another sentence. But with everything I tried, I just couldn’t finish it. Where would I leave off, on such a sensitive topic? So finally I decided to buckle down and hammer this one out through my own mind’s eye. Forget the rest, or I’d never get it done.

It doesn’t bother me that I’m single – it really doesn’t. What does bother me is that there are some who are bothered by my singleness. What bothers me even more than that is how bothered some seem to be by my not being bothered by it. Up to speed? Now imagine if I let that get to me what a staggered life I’d live.

As a single 30-something in the busy city of Toronto, it is very easy to feel the pressure of “getting up there” and not having settled down yet. There was a time when quite frankly that very thought had really terrified me.  What am I going to do, I would ask myself, if I get up there and I’m still single? But once I started to follow the path my life had laid out for me, I am more concerned about taking in the sights along the way. I’m doing so much that it makes up for the other parts.

Don’t get me wrong, singleness will always harbour some fear and doubt. But the fact is that times have changed. Independence is a commodity that we all strive towards. So who says you have to be “settled” by a certain age? So what if you don’t? I’d like to read the chapter in this proverbial Handbook of Life that states that you have a deadline to settle down.

As we evolve, we see that tables are turning; women are taking control of their lives in ways that would render our grandmothers speechless. And how many of us can say our grandmothers didn’t voice their malcontent? Many women are the sole or predominant breadwinner; we’re going back to school, taking on 2nd even 3rd jobs, travelling the world and learning different languages. But you know what the best part is? We’re speaking up and acting out.

The statistic of single 30-something women has increased because we are so focused that we don’t slow down to notice that certain areas of our lives remain unfulfilled. We see success on the horizon and would stop at nothing to get there. If there is an obstacle, it is viewed only as a slight delay as we iron out the kinks and handle it accordingly before we continue. Tunnel vision – that’s what it’s called.

So while you’re sitting there looking at your happily coupled-up friends and reflecting on your life asking yourself “why am I still single?” maybe you should ask:  “why can’t I still be single?” Or perhaps the question you need to ask yourself: “am I ready for a relationship?” Many of us think we are, or feel we need to and may even end up making the wrong choices. But being single means moving at your own pace, changing your direction when you feel like it and taking longer than you need to on things. It really is the ultimate selfishness. And I think with all the hard work I put in, I have earned the right to be selfish. And to add a cliché: if something isn’t meant to happen, nothing in your power will make it happen.

I’m happy with the way my life is going even with the unattended area, or void if I may. I’m content with knowing what I want and having the luxury of taking my time. Yes, I’m “picky” but I’m really tired of hearing that, because quite frankly I deserve to be. I have always taken my time on things, so I’m not going to start rushing now. And I really do believe that if it’s meant to happen then it will. Some things just don’t follow a timeline or are limited to a deadline. So I might as well keep doing what I have to do to enjoy my life; by myself, for myself. This for no other reason than I’m allowed to be selfish.

— Chris.


15 thoughts on “No Pity Party here

  1. *clap clap* well said! i couldn’t have said it any better myself…I completely agree with what you said about it not bothering US, but rather it bothers me that it bothers the entire universe. I am perfectly happy the way I am at the moment! I told you, I’m gonna print this out in 9878 font and glue it to my forehead! LOL!

    1. Haha Carebear! If that’s what it’ll take for the universe to pay attention then it may be necessary! (But I have to be there to see it!)

  2. I use my faith and believe that things happen for a reason and God wants me to have a happy life and do all that I can and want now as a single woman and when I am ready and the right guy comes along, watch out… his life is OVER!!!! Honestly I feel like if my being single doesn’t bother me, then why should it bother you??? I told my mum that awhile ago and she stopped and looked at me and said you’re right. She knows I am happy. I could explode happiness… it’s not even about being single… it’s the state of mind one is in and if it’s healthy state of mind, single or not… life is sooo good!!!!! ❤

    1. You’re right, Vann. It IS a state of mind. Just live your life how you want to, have some faith and things will happen the way they should! Thanks for reading!

  3. You go Chris… I admire your strength and courage to put this out there… the right man is out there and you will meet him when the time is right!

  4. I’ve always loved this piece.

    I think a lot of people get caught up working on finding the person they have always dreamed of and they don’t spend any time BECOMING the person they have always dreamed of. Being the best person you can be , personally and professionally is the most fulfilling thing you can do. When you better yourself, I think everything else has a way of falling in to place.

    1. I couldn’t have said it better, Ash. Actually, it took me a few paragraphs! You let one thing consume you and other things get neglected – it’s all about balance. Thanks partner 🙂

  5. I really felt that comment Ash made – it is so true! You can’t be happy with someone if you are not a happy person yourself. There is so much we can accomplish as women, by and for ourselves.

    1. Some very wise women have commented on this article – thank you Seph it is absolutely true! We have to live for ourselves, first.

  6. Well done ladies! Being proud & happy of your life is what matters the most. Singledom is a lifestyle CHOICE! What’s the point of being in a relationship for the sole purpose of being in one? That time would be spent better by experiencing & enjoying life and all that it offers (with no one to answer to!), and as you guys put it, bettering ourselves. But hey, it’s ok to fall in love too, especially if Mr. Right comes along.

    Hope you guys had a great V-Day 🙂 Love your posts! ❤

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